As many of you know, I love yoga and have been practicing on and off for several years. Two years ago (after I started Bohemian Hair), my stress level hit an all time high. The business was growing and required much of my time, but my family was growing as well, and home life was filled with active teenage girls that needed me in a much different way than I had ever experienced. Life was good, but busy. I began having mild panic attacks and became extremely impatient and short with those around me. I have always been a pretty calm and patient person, so I knew this behavior was not healthy, and was a sign that something needed to change. The big question was, "what to change?' There was little to no wiggle room in my schedule, but I also knew that we take care of the things that are important. I didn't know how I was going to achieve this, but I knew I had to start somewhere, so I enrolled in a Bikram yoga class, and my journey began.
For those who are not familiar with Bikram yoga, it's a form of Hatha yoga that consist of 26 postures, done in a hot room of 105 degree temperature for 90 minutes. Yes, I'm crazy. This is the boot camp of yoga, and I loved it! Not only was it physically challenging, but it was 90 minutes of pure meditation and time with myself. It's very hard to think about anything else when you're trying to balance and breathe in a 105 degree room! I was hooked and began practicing 2-3 times a week.
As I continued in my practice, I noticed a calm that came over me after class and was carried throughout my day. I also noticed emotion that I had never allowed myself to feel coming up during classes. Although yoga is a physical activity, it is mental as well. I started recognizing that the chatter in my mind was mostly why I struggled with a pose, and when I allowed myself to mentally "let go", my body followed. I also recognized that I suppressed a lot of emotion and where in the past I would "push away" emotion, I began to allow myself to simply feel what was coming up. I didn't dwell on it, but I did acknowledge what I was feeling, which surprisingly allowed the emotion to pass through and quickly dissolve.
This led me to step two in my journey of dealing with my anxiety and stress. I began to journal the emotions and thoughts I was feeling. I've always enjoyed writing, but in the past keeping a journal was like a diary of my day. Many times I would go back and critique my work and how it was written. This time was different. I began "free writing". No thoughts of what I was going to write or how it sounded, just my subconscious, uncensored mind flowing through my pen on paper. I also made a deal with my conscious mind that I would not judge or criticize what I had written. As I began this process, not only was I shocked at what came out of me, but I began to feel compelled to write daily. As I went back and read what I had written, I was amazed of how much I had kept suppressed in me, tucked away for no one to see. I was shocked at the amount of insecurity, anger and fear that I had held in for so long, and how hard I worked to present to the world a person who was fearless, strong and unfortunately, still trying to seek approval and please everyone. This led me to step three, the word I had dreaded and made fun of my whole life...therapy.
For those who know me, the thought of people going on and on about their problems and their life (much like I'm doing now) turns my stomach. I had always subscribed to the "pour yourself a drink, put on some lipstick and pull yourself together" mentality. But through this process I came to realize my own weaknesses and that I needed a little help "connecting the dots". I recognized that I had done a lot of the work myself, but with the help of some good reading material on this subject and a good therapist, I was able to recognize destructive behavior, forgive myself and others for harsh judgements, and let go of the need to control and please others.
The combination of yoga, journaling and therapy began to dissolve my anxiety, and the panic attacks went away. The stress and busy schedule is still there (I don't think it's going away anytime soon), but there is a new me emerging at 41, and I really like who this person is! This journey hasn't come without some pain and consequences. Probably the hardest reality for me was understanding that when you change your reactions to things and your need to please, (and you put up proper boundaries, something I never did), you may lose some relationships, or some of those relationships will stall in order to readjust to your new way of thinking. I have to admit this felt uncomfortable to me at first, but I knew it was a necessary process in my growth. This doesn't mean that I am "enlightened" in any way and that I walk around in bliss. I'm far from blissful! What I am now is more honest with myself and those around me. I live more in the present, and that allows me to be more productive and happy. I've learned that dwelling in the past creates depression and anticipating the future creates anxiety. My yoga practice has taught me to discipline myself to be present and live in the present, which shuts down my need to dwell in the past and be anxious about things that have yet happened. When the chatter of "Past" and "Future" start to annoy me, I sit down and "write the chatter" out of my head, which usually takes a few minutes and brings me back to the present moment. I then get on with my day! This doesn't mean I never get stressed or sad or angry, quite the contrary. I just make sure the emotion I am feeling is relevant to my current dilemma or situation, which helps me deal with the situation properly.
In closing, I decided to share my story with you because I know many of my clients and friends face these same challenges, and if I could offer a little encouragement or something that helps you through your journey, I'm happy to share some of mine! Namaste,my friends! Now I have to get back to laundry, and dinner, and the kids will be home soon....
Kristen
